


James Potter and The Herd of Small Children

by rxy1nd



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Babysitting, Couch, Cute Kids, F/M, Fluff, Hogwarts, Humor, Major character death - Freeform, Marauders' Era, RIP, Runaway Sirius Black, Unfinished, Wizards, Writing practice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-12
Updated: 2018-12-12
Packaged: 2019-09-17 01:57:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16965543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rxy1nd/pseuds/rxy1nd
Summary: (Originally Published to Wattpad, August 3, 2016, based off of a head-cannon by PrxnceBxyWxnder)James Potter has had enough. He doesn't understand why Lily Evans is so resistant to his flirting, good looks, amazing magical ability and intoxicating sense of humor. This is the girl he's going to marry, after all. She should be swooning over him like the rest of the girls at Hogwarts. It likely has something to do with her lame best friend, Snivellus Snape, or the fact that his friends' sense of humor is less than appropriate. On the last day of school, however, he learns something useful. Lily Evans loves kids.And Thus it begins.





	1. It Begins

_"Potter, quit staring at the ginger."_ The loud voice of Sirius Black demanded, his voice squeaking, if only slightly.

James pushed his consistently unruly curly hair back from his eyes, an involuntary smirk forming on his lips. He forced himself to look away from one of the most beautiful creatures he'd ever seen to answer Sirius. "My deepest apologies, Black. Though I must know, why must you always insist on being so serious, Sirius?"

Sirius let out his signature groan of annoyance, as Remus glanced up and smirked. He was always amused at his friends' back and forth ridicule of each other. James couldn't help but roll his eyes at Remus's consistent amusement towards their banter, which often times dissolved into real bickering. He had a theory that Lupin was actually a sadist that enjoyed conflict and pain, be it physical or emotional.

Then again, Remus Lupin was the reason why most fights between Sirius and James ended peacefully. He was allowed to be amused by their banter, so long as it didn't turn into the two of them screaming for one another's blood. Which happens more often than not... James admitted sheepishly in his mind. Sirius was lecturing him yet again about how awful and obnoxious the Serious Sirius jokes were.

"Seriously, can't you just cut the crap with the jokes, Potter?" His face fell immediately after he realized what he said.

James could tell that he was clinging onto the hope that his friends didn't notice his slip up, but they always noticed. Especially Remus. His ears are sharper than a wolf's... James mused.

"I don't know, Sirius, last I checked, James was never one to be serious about these types of things, unlike you, Sirius. You're too serious, Sirius, for your own good," Remus had closed his book, and was joining in on the fun.

Peter was standing by, fidgeting nervously. "Come on you guys. Do you seriously want to piss off Sirius."

James looked at Peter and grinned, slapping his hand down on Peter's shoulders as his face turned redder than a tomato. "There you go, Pettigrew! I didn't know you had it in you to make the Serious Sirius jokes!"

"N-n-no, I d-didn't mean to, I s-sw-swear!" He shook his head violently back and forth as James and Remus collapsed into their laughter.

"That's it, I hate all of you!" Sirius threw his hands up in a sign of defeat, and began walking towards the exit of Platform 9 3/4. "I'm not going to talk to any of you! Not even next year!"

Peter wailed in response. "I didn't mean it, Sirius, I'm sorry!"

"Yeah, his apology is real Serious, Sirius!" James cried out, clutching his sides as stitches began to form in them.

Remus, at some point, had returned to reading his book. Which didn't look interesting in the slightest. "Okay you two, knock it off before he really does decide he hates us."

"C'mon, Lupin, you know as well as I do that he never actually means it." Remus pursed his lips, and shook his shaggy brown hair away from his eyes.

Peter, meanwhile, was having a bit of a panic attack. "I c-c-ca-can't lose a friend! It's s-so h-hard to make n-n-new ones!"

He was trembling as his knees gave in and he fell to the ground. Remus smiled with pity at the always nervous Peter Pettigrew. "It's alright, Pete. You heard James. Plus, you've been friends with him for two years now! Sirius never stays mad at us for long."

True to their prediction, Sirius could be seen walking back towards them, his eyes twitching like crazy. "Nopenopenopenopenopenopenopenopenopenope."

"What's the matter, mate?"

"Oh nothing! Everything's good, mates. Say, do you want to go out for some ice cream before your parents show up? Mine haven't shown up yet either, yeah, c'mon! Let's scram!" Sirius grabbed Peter, who was currently in the process of rejoicing that his friend had returned.

"What's wrong?" Lupin inquired, his brows furrowing.

"Yeah, tell us what's wr-"

"SIRIUS ORION BLACK!"

"You know what, you're right. Let's go get some ice cream." James smiled politely, then grabbed Sirius and Remus's arms.

"Hey, wait up!" Peter called out, distress clear on his face.

James glanced back, throwing Pettigrew an apologetic smirk. "Make up a cover story for us! We'll make it up to you!"

He couldn't help but feel a little bit guilty at the crest fallen look on Peter's face. We should stop ditching him. James shrugged his guilt off like water rolling off his back. Remus had, (Somehow), returned to reading his book once more.

"Bloody Hell, Lupin, how are you still reading?! In case you hadn't noticed, we're running for our lives!" Sirius pretended not to hear this, while Remus simply shrugged, then turned a page.

"It's an interesting book."

James swatted Remus in the ear, then sped up the pace he was running at. After several minutes of weaving around the muggles and shoving past people, they managed to escape Kings Cross, without much more trouble.

The streets of London were still relatively cold, despite the sun shining. Several people who passed them threw strange looks, which they all ignored. Their judgement was of no concern to them, after all. They were just muggles.

"Check it out," Sirius panted out, his hands resting above his knees. "The fates seem to be in favor of you and the ginger getting together."

"What doe that even mean?"

"She's over there," Remus said in deadpan, pointing in the general direction of where she was standing.

Lily Evans.

Her face was lit up, her eyes shining like the moon when it reflected on a pond in Godrick's Hallow. Lily was conversing with her sister, a crotchety blonde who did not seem pleased to have her sister back. Despite that, a small smile still played on her lips. If he remembered correctly, her sister's name was Petunia. Petunia and Lily. Pretty names for pretty sisters. It was a shame that Petunia was a muggle, though. Maybe she would accept James' flirting.

"You know she wouldn't." Sirius responded, picking at his nails.

James started, then turned to stare at his best mate. "Did I say that out loud?"

"No." He responded, nonchalantly. "I just know you that well."

"It's true," Lupin responded, looking up from his book once again. "Even if Petunia Evans attended Hogwarts, you'd still be infatuated with Lily."

"I thought we agreed to call her 'The Ginger'," James hissed, smacking Remus upside the head once more.

"Sorry,"

"Your obviously not," he grumbled, swiping his hair to the side once more.

"Summon up your courage and talk to her, you twat." Sirius grunted, shoving James. His brows were furrowed and he was growing, but his eyes were glinting with mischief.

"What are you, my life coach?"

"Exactly, now go!"

James glowered before walking in the direction of the Evans. That was when he saw Snivellus pass by and smile at Lily, who grinned back, like they were in on some kind of joke together. His fist tightened involuntarily.

"Leave him be, James. They're just friends."

"I know, Lupin. It just ticks me off. What's so special about Snivellus anyways? He's just a twit!" He ground his teeth together and continued to glower.

Remus shrugged and closed his book, which he'd managed to finish in the time they'd been standing there. "They knew each other before Hogwarts. I don't think that's a friendship you can just forget. Plus, he's more pleasant than us scoundrels."

Both James and Sirius stared at him, their mouths agape. "What? She and Peter get along."

"Pettigrew and The Ginger get along? She wouldn't even tell us the time of day!" Sirius kicked the lamp post they'd all gathered around.

"According to him, she finds Pete to be less of a scoundrel than the rest of us."

"He's onto something with that nice act of his..." James muttered.

Sirius shook his head, then placed his hand on James' shoulder. "That's not an act. He's just a bloody idiot."

"That is true."

James began gathering his courage, making sure he was standing up straight. He brushed off his trousers, and fiddled with his hair once more, ready to begin the seemingly short walk towards Lily Evans. Before he could even take a step, though, something happened.

A little boy, seemingly around the age of 7, bumped into her and fell down. Almost immediately, Lily dropped to her knees and began asking him a plethora of questions. He was crying, but Lily still seemed as calm and collected as she ever was. He could se a small smile forming at her lips, and her eyes, which were normally fiery and determined, had softened.

Then, the idea came.

"Oh no," Sirius muttered, watching James intently. "This is not good."

"What's not good?" Peter asked, appearing by Remus's side.

"He's coming up with an idea to woo Lily Evans." Remus said, scratching his head.

"This is not going to end well."

"You can say that again."


	2. Introducing The First Members of The Small Herd...

_"Josh, you put that down right now!"_ James ran over to the small child busy playing with a chopping knife. He managed to snatch the knife away from the small boy, but then turned to see the problem child of the group standing at the top of the stairs.

"Eli," he said in warning, watching the small girl as she raised her hands to her mouth.

"All aboard the slide!" James' eyes widened in horror when he watched her climb into a laundry basket along with two other of the children he was in charge of making sure they didn't meet their early deaths.

Now it looks like they might actually die. James thought in a panic as he sped towards the stairs. Because some people seem to have the worst timing to have ever existed, the rotary phone, (Which was located in a shed behind the house.), began ringing.

"Are you kidding me?!" He cried out, looking between the door and the banister. He would have to make a decision. Save the children's lives? Or answer the phone and get a new job. These are the questions no one ever teaches you about.

It was at that moment that Eli pushed off the basket and began riding down the stairs like she was in a chariot. Her scream of glee could likely be heard from miles around. It was also at this moment that James began wondering how he found himself in this situation. Then he remembered.

After an interesting trip around London with his friends, Fleamont and Euphemia finally managed to find James and drag him home. Euphemia spent most of the trip back to Godric's Hollow complaining about how James had every last bad habit his father had and almost no redeeming qualities. Obviously, James felt very loved after hearing this rant.

His father had just laughed good-naturedly. Everything was a game to him, no matter how serious the situation could possibly turn out being.

"Lighten up, Euphrmia." He threw his arm around James' shoulders, still laughing. "He's just a kid! Let him have fun with his friends while he can."

"Exactly, Fleamont. JAMES IS A CHILD! He should NOT be running around London without his parents! I don't care how much Sirius Black hates his parents!" Euphemia grabbed James by the ear, then dragged him into the house, a usually never there scowl permeating her features.

"Owowowowow! Mum!" James grabbed at Euphimia's hand, attempting to loosen her vice-like grip, but it was all for naught. She simply tightened it.

She tossed him in a kitchen chair, still grumbling about how her child and husband were ungrateful cancerous life forms leeching off of her life span.

"You know it, Doll!" Fleamont shouted. He settled in a chair opposite James, then rested his face in his hands, a small smirk playing. "So, how was your school year?"

"Peachy," James muttered dryly, massaging his ear in an attempt to get it feeling normal again.

"Great!" Fleamont shouted, clapping his hands together.

Euphemia, who was still rummaging in the kitchen, turned and glared at the two of them, her eyes sharp and demanding. In response, Fleamont just smiled at her lovingly, his own eyes twinkling with Mischief. They're doing it again...

"So," James began, in an attempt to break up the awkwardness. "I wanted to ask you two something."

"Shoot," Euphemia shot at James, breaking eye contact with her husband.

"I want to start a business."

Everything in the room seemed to stop at once. Euphemia dried off her hands, then sat down at her spot. Her eye was twitching in annoyance. "Is that so?"

Fleamont was grinning enough for a hundred people. "That's great! Just what kind of business would it be, hm champ?"

"A babysitting one?"

"Absolutely not!" Euphemia cried, slamming her hands down on the table.

"Why not, Mum?"

"You would burn somebody's house down." She stated bluntly.

"Come on, 'Mia! He needs to learn to work somehow!" Fleamont whined, gripping her hand in his.

"And he can do it another way! I will not be held responsible for something blowing up!" James sucked his lower lip into his mouth.

"I could do it like a day care thing. People could drop their kids off here. I could also babysit muggle kids, so I wouldn't be able to use magic."

"Please, Doll?" Fleamont asked, lifting Euphimia's hand to his mouth and kissing it.

She let out a heavy sigh before rubbing her eye. "Fine. But you'll be paying us back for any supplies you use with the money you earn."

"Deal!" James shouted, clapping his hands together.

After that, Euphemia lay down a list of ground rules for his business, resting her head in one of her hands as she scribbled down the rules. They were pretty basic rules. No magic, if messes are made clean them up. Pretty much the ordinary house rules of the Potters, excluding the magic rule. James couldn't stop grinning to himself as he ran and got paper to draw flyers with.

After managing to create a nice looking flyer, he used a duplicate charm, so all of his flyers would look the same. Fleamont nodded in approval. He kept a knowing smirk on his face all throughout the rest of the day.

The following day, James passed out flyers in the park. He handed them out mostly to women who looked stressed and had their kids with them. After returning home from the park and eating lunch, a loud ringing noise could be heard throughout the house.

The Telephone. Fleamont had purchased one purely for James' use, and it was sequestered in a shed behind the house, so it would go haywire due to the magic.

He ran as quickly as he could to it, then snatched up the receiver. "Hello?"

And that, was how James Potter met the first few member of the small herd.

Josh, Eli, Margie, Michael and Lucy.

The defiantly were not making this easy for him.


	3. The Death of a Loved One...

James had just finished cleaning a mess that the ever problematic Eli had made. She'd somehow gotten baby powder all over the parlor, so the room was covered in a film of white. Several of the small heard were passed out on the couch from exhaustion while Margie, the oldest, followed James around and twittered like a bird.

Unlike the other children, Margie was a witch, and she kept casting small spells. She purely did this on accident, but it caused James quite a bit of trouble, as he was then required to explain to the small herd why there were frogs everywhere in the house.

"James, I'm supposed to have my snack at two,"

"And it can't have nuts in it," James finished with her, as he flicked his wand and made the last of the powder disappear.

Margie's whole face scrunched up, and she shot a glare at James that was just about as threatening as a blind puppy. "It would also be good to keep things like that away from Eli in the future,"

With that, she turned on her heel and flounced over to the couch where the other kids were starting to wake up. Smartass, James thought spitefully, tucking his wand inside his back pocket. He surveyed the still half asleep children that Margie was in the process of waking up.

After Eli slipped down the stairs in the hamper, things became rather hectic. Right before their "chariot" toppled over, James used the spell Wingardium Leviosa, saving the problematic children from a much too early death. Eli immediately became convinced that she could fly, and began to run around the room, screaming it.

"I'm a fairy! I told you, Mummy! I can fly, that makes me a faaaaaaairy!" She sang the word fairy every time, which caused both Margie and James to wince.

Can a kid get more annoying? James wondered, inevitably dooming himself to the torturous messes of baby powder that he would soon be forced to clean up with a 9 year old that knew way to much about magic. She seemed to know a few spells that Remus likely didn't even know, and this kid was almost five years younger than them.

"So!" James shouted, trying to be as cheery as possible. "Who wants some food?"

Margie blinked at James, opening her mouth to respond, but Lucy, a muggle with frizzy short hair and dark skin, beat her to the punch. "Do you have pretzels?"

"You just might be in luck, Lu," James responded, grinning at the meekest child of the group.

She smiled softly, then looked down at her hands. Lucy was second oldest, being only a month or so younger than Margie. Looking at the two, however, you could never tell. Lucy was very petite, almost two full inches shorter than Margie and much more thin.

Margie protested about the snacks, babbling on about how "It's extremely important for children to get three meals a day plus one snack in the afternoon about an hour before they normally eat dinner. Eating food earlier or later can stunt growth or screw up eating schedules."

"Margie, please shut up," James responded, scooping some jam into a bowl to dip the pretzels in. Margie stared at James with her mouth hanging wide open, and he couldn't help but chuckle. "You better close your mouth, or you'll catch flies,"

Margie snapped her mouth shut like a mouse trap, then began tapping her feet impatiently on the ground. Because things in this business had a habit of going wrong just as everything became normal and peaceful, a rumbling began coming from the Potter's very large fireplace, which caused James to panic appropriately.

About half of the children were looking to the fire place, their eyes and mouths widened. The other half were shrinking away from it, searching for a place to take cover from whatever disaster was about to ensue. James, on the other hand, wanted to die. Who the hell is using floo powder at a time like this???

"Alright chaps, let's head outside! We'll have a picnic. How about that?" James grabbed Eli, as she was the most likely to argue, and slung her over his shoulder.

Eli was screaming in his ear, although James couldn't tell if Eli was angry, scared or having fun. She screamed far to much for such a small child. Margie grabbed the younger children's and Lucy's hands, dragging them out the door. She was muttering something under her breath, and throwing James the stink eye.

James dropped Eli on the ground, a good distance away from the door, and ran back to the house, screaming to Margie that she was in charge. James, out of breath, and craving the sweet release of the afterlife, slammed the door, and used his wand to shove a sofa in front of the mantle. This, naturally, did nothing to stop the arrival of a person in the fireplace who was shouting angrily at the couch.

"James, Dammit, move this monstrosity away from my face!" Sirius Black screamed, banging on the old restored sofa that was Eufemia's pride and joy. Before James was able to react and appropriately move the ugly thing, Sirius fired off a spell that caused the couch to go flying at the wall, splintering the legs. There was a massive burnt hole in the back of it.

 _"SIRIUS, WHAT THE BLOODY HELL WERE YOU THINKING?"_ James had pinned Sirius back up against a wall, his wand held up against his neck.

Sirius has a baffled and pissed look painted on his face. "What the hell, James, what's the matter? It's an ugly couch anyways."

"That sofa belongs to my mother," James responded, his voice dangerously low.

"And?"

"She spent months restoring it,"

"And?"

"AND, _SIRIUS_ , SHE HAS SPENT MONTHS AND MONTHS REPAIRING AND RESTORING IT," James was screaming now, a vein on his temple looking dangerously close to bursting.

Sirius looked like he was about to soil his pants. "Oh bugger..."

"James, why is that creepy man covered in ashes."

_Oh damn..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RIP Couch, circa 197(something or other)

**Author's Note:**

> I based this off of my older brother's headcannon, then promptly abandoned it about three chapters in... sooo.
> 
> Donate to my ko-fi!: http://ko-fi.com/dixie0912


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